Last night I got a little upset. Mostly because I was tired and my bebe woke up five times the night before, and was up cooing at 6:30 in the early a.m. My husband so graciously brought me a dirty chai and a blueberry muffin home before he headed to his one of many interviews he has had this week. The man is a saint. Really, in Christ he is. Last night the tiredness and all the 'tearies'(as I call Claire's little cries) caught up with me. And I was mean and selfish, and my husband defensive..really we were just tired. After I put Claire down for bed, we made up and watched half of the documentary called 'Father of Lights'. I was convicted. The film is brilliant and sort of unbelievable, but isn't that what God is? Brilliant and unbelievable? He does all of these mysterious things all the time. And that is what I was convicted about. I don't ask God what He wants me to do this day or that day. I usually just go about my days how I want. Here was this man though who spoke with God. He walked down the roads that God told him too, he looked for the people that the Lord showed him in dreams, and then the story flowed to another couple who's lives had been changed by God. The husband had been a vice president of a bank. A lovely wife, three kids, a nice house..a lovely life. The Lord did something in their hearts one night though. They sold everything they had, packed a few suitcases with some clothing, and got on a plane to China. Without any plans. They lived in a hotel for three days and then moved into a shabby apartment with raw sewage...and the wife began to speak. She spoke about how up until that point everything was really exciting and she didn't mind giving everything she had away, but when she saw the faces of her children as they walked into the apartment she thought 'am I a bad mother? Why would I do this to my children?'.
And I realized..this is the issue in my heart.
I have so many ideas and so many guidelines I've made. I have the perfect life in my head. I want my daughter to grow up in a nice house with nice friends and loving parents. I want everything to fold out smoothly with no bumps and bruises. I was convicted. I have all of these plans in my heart that I know aren't the Lord's plan for my life. These need to go. It is a wonderful things to hope for and cultivate a life that is beautiful, but to plan a life that is too rigid to let the Holy Spirit move, that is wrong. I am the woman who cares what you think about me. I am the mother that wonders if I am doing the right thing for my child. I am the woman with so much pride in her it is disgusting. I am the woman who is so controlling that I hold onto fragile things too tightly.
So, Jesus take it out.
I do not want to worry about what you think of me...especially if I am walking in the Spirit. If God says to do it, then we must do it. He ultimately is the one who is going to take care of our children. He is the one who holds their hearts closer than we ever could. He is their Creator, the one who takes care of the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on our heads. We need to trust Him just like faithful Abraham did. He almost murdered his only son. Do I trust God enough to do something like that? Certainly not.
I guess this is sort of a confession. A confession and an encouragement.
Search out the plans of The Lord.
Men and women, leave your plans on the road. Eternity will be far better then anything we could ever have made up.
Love The Lord.
Love your spouse.
Love your children.
Love people.
Walk in the light.
I am a free woman. No one can take that away from me.
-a
