Father of brilliant lights.

Last night I got a little upset. Mostly because I was tired and my bebe woke up five times the night before, and was up cooing at 6:30 in the early a.m. My husband so graciously brought me a dirty chai and a blueberry muffin home before he headed to his one of many interviews he has had this week. The man is a saint. Really, in Christ he is. Last night the tiredness and all the 'tearies'(as I call Claire's little cries) caught up with me. And I was mean and selfish, and my husband defensive..really we were just tired. After I put Claire down for bed, we made up and watched half of the documentary called 'Father of Lights'. I was convicted. The film is brilliant and sort of unbelievable, but isn't that what God is? Brilliant and unbelievable? He does all of these mysterious things all the time. And that is what I was convicted about. I don't ask God what He wants me to do this day or that day. I usually just go about my days how I want. Here was this man though who spoke with God. He walked down the roads that God told him too, he looked for the people that the Lord showed him in dreams, and then the story flowed to another couple who's lives had been changed by God. The husband had been a vice president of a bank. A lovely wife, three kids, a nice house..a lovely life. The Lord did something in their hearts one night though. They sold everything they had, packed a few suitcases with some clothing, and got on a plane to China. Without any plans. They lived in a hotel for three days and then moved into a shabby apartment with raw sewage...and the wife began to speak. She spoke about how up until that point everything was really exciting and she didn't mind giving everything she had away, but when she saw the faces of her children as they walked into the apartment she thought 'am I a bad mother? Why would I do this to my children?'. 

And I realized..this is the issue in my heart.

I have so many ideas and so many guidelines I've made. I have the perfect life in my head. I want my daughter to grow up in a nice house with nice friends and loving parents. I want everything to fold out smoothly with no bumps and bruises. I was convicted. I have all of these plans in my heart that I know aren't the Lord's plan for my life. These need to go. It is a wonderful things to hope for and cultivate a life that is beautiful, but to plan a life that is too rigid to let the Holy Spirit move, that is wrong. I am the woman who cares what you think about me. I am the mother that wonders if I am doing the right thing for my child. I am the woman with so much pride in her it is disgusting. I am the woman who is so controlling that I hold onto fragile things too tightly.

So, Jesus take it out.

I do not want to worry about what you think of me...especially if I am walking in the Spirit. If God says to do it, then we must do it. He ultimately is the one who is going to take care of our children. He is the one who holds their hearts closer than we ever could. He is their Creator, the one who takes care of the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on our heads. We need to trust Him just like faithful Abraham did. He almost murdered his only son. Do I trust God enough to do something like that? Certainly not. 

I guess this is sort of a confession. A confession and an encouragement. 

Search out the plans of The Lord. 

Men and women, leave your plans on the road. Eternity will be far better then anything we could ever have made up.

Love The Lord.

Love your spouse.

Love your children.

Love people.

Walk in the light.

I am a free woman. No one can take that away from me.

-a

tears and pulling punches.

My bebe had to get her first shots today. My goodness, I've never seen so many tears from her...they even got her mama crying a bit. I would have gladly taken those needles for my baby.

Wait.

Isn't that what Jesus did for us? He took the shot, the punches, the DEATH. Why? Because we are His children. He took the beating so He would not have to watch His children suffer forever. What a loving Saviour. Jesus is my hero.

He is the kindest and most generous. He is the merciful and just. He is righteousness and peace.
He is forever.

I could go on with more Jesus truths. But I will leave you with simply this:

Who measures our tears in a bottle?

love.
-a.

loving Christ.

I love my husband.
I married the best man. I truly did. Every moment with him is a wonder. God is such a good gift giver. There is such peace in marriage. Nathan and I were talking about different moments during our courtship last night. All of them seemed so funny and special. We laugh at the two people that we were before. We were so silly. Those memories are gold though.

I've been learning more and more about being a better wife. During this pregnancy, my husband and I have both grown up so much. He especially has developed into this wonderful inspiring man. Every morning is better. He is an encouragement and complete joy to be around. His embrace is comforting, and his words profound. He makes me want to be a better wife. As my belly grows, so does our love for one another. Life is not perfect, but it is blissful. The house still needs to be cleaned and bills need to be paid, but having someone to help makes these things so much more enjoyable. I am beyond excited about our little family. We still have so much to learn about life, and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. The excitement of being a mother is overwhelming and joy-filled. God has been so good to our little family.

The verse in Proverbs 31...the one about 'she does him good, and not evil all the days of her life' has been running through my head over and over. I am for the good of my husband. I am to love him in all of his shortcomings and all of his learnings. I am to love him like Christ loves me. Marriage is the most beautiful poem in life. Loving my husband feels so right. It fits. After years and years of searching for something that fit, I have found it. Being a wife and mother. With this calling I have never felt more at peace in my life. The joy that God has given me in these things is unspeakable. I cannot explain the depth of heart in being a wife...and I can hardly fathom the happiness that comes from this impending motherhood. The calling of my life is to serve Christ. To love and adore Him, and draw closer to him day by day. This is how it happens...when I love my husband...when I serve him, I am loving Christ. When I touch my child, and she moves in the womb, this is loving Christ. When I forgive and continue to love despite the circumstance, I love Christ. It is our actions during the day, how we treat one another, how we speak to each other, how we hold each other up above ourselves...this is loving Christ.

If you are looking for the secret to growing close to Jesus, you are in the midst of it.
Life and how you live it.
This will bring you closer to Jesus.



-a.

readiness.

Saturday I went flower picking with my Natalie.
We had a fabulous time. I felt like a little child wandering about the vast forest looking for fairies and such. O the beauty of life. I feel like a child, and yet I have a child growing inside my womb. Will I ever be ready for anything? Is there such a thing? What drives us to readiness?

The baby inside of me will come into this world sometime in the next few weeks. The doctor told me to pack my bags and be ready for the baby to come. 'Be ready.' said the nurse. Then the doctor happily instructed me on how to page her and who to call when I begin labor. Nathan and I went home and I started to get frustrated with myself because I didn't feel ready and there is still so much to be done before baby n. comes into the world. I told my husband that I don't feel ready to be a mother yet, and he quickly assured me that I am perfectly capable to take care of our little daughter. I am blessed to have such a patient husband. Every morning is hopeful. Some are darker than others, but my God's mercies are new every morning and I believe this with all my heart and soul. There has been such peace in our house in the morning. Sometimes it feels like the Holy Spirit is hovering over us. I am thankful for peace.

After we climb out of bed I wander into the kitchen and we usually start the morning with smoothies and eggs or something of the sort. The sunrise reflects into my kitchen from the neighbors window. I love those sunrises. We start every morning. Just like we start life. A child is born into the brightness. He must adjust to the newness of everything. How he breaths and eats and moves. In the same way my husband and I will be thrown into parenthood. No matter how ready we feel, we will become parents.

I was reading in 1 Thess. during my quiet time this week. I was convicted when I made it the section that spoke about not quenching the Spirit. The Lord showed me that I quench the Spirit all the time. When I am anxious. I sat starring at my closet thinking about all the things that I worry about daily. My heart opened a bit to His tender care.

I am no longer worried about giving birth. God has made my body to complete this miraculous task. Why should I be afraid of the outcome of it? Nathan and I embrace the fact that our daughter is going to come into this world, whether we are ready for it or not. God's grace is so good. I feel like it is filling me to the brim. A constant reminder that my dependency is hooked to the one that made me. We cannot do it without Him.

Wonderful life. Wonderful love. Wonder of it all.

-a.

a cry.

I've always been the peace keeper.
Even when I am far away. I am alright with this. Last Sunday morning I had a flood of worship songs come into my head when I woke up. We sang those later that morning in a smallish living room with a smallish group of people with our smallish voices. I am learning this, although I have a voice, it is smaller than I thought it was. My vain self is beginning to realize how totalitarian it is, and pieces of me have begun to chip off. The bad pieces that is. I have a secret(at the moment) that is making me better; and it is not coming about by reading many religious books or praying for countless hours that I would become good enough, or even helping the homeless man on the side of the road. It is something growing inside me. Many times we do not comprehend how vain and selfish we are. Who are we to tell the weather what it needs to do, or tell our bodies to look skinnier, or even to boast of the knowledge that has accumulated in our heads? We did not create the heavens, or design a cell, or even construct a brain. Someone else did. Selfishly, I want every possible thing in my life to be about me. It shouldn't be that way though. I want everyone to have my views in my life, and to listen to my answers to their problems. All of this silly stuff. There isn't any other name for it. Stuff. Vanity is the stuff that I don't need. The stuff I do not want. My life is not more important than another persons. God cares for and cherishes that one person just the same as He does for me. So why do I think that I am any better than another human being? My friends. We need to stop this pride. We are people and we are family.
God give me strength to love better. To love more. To love deep.
I hope this is the cry of your hearts as well.
ria.

"For when dreams increase and words grow many, there is vanity;but God is the one you must fear." Ecclesiastes 5:7

mishmash.

terrible headache. husband was [almost] mugged today. 39 postcards cut. now Bible(finally).
ria.

my auntie's

something my aunt created. i love her work.