Blackberry bush.

The heart. We think we understand it. We have quite a handle on it scientifically. We can fix a heart, or try to. We can pump blood into it and keep it alive if we need to. We cannot fathom the depths of it though. This week has been really challenging for my heart. There have been prickly little blackberry thorns stinging me in certain places that I have not traveled. Overgrown and wild these blackberries have slowed my steps, and I've had to step back and think, 'how shall I prune these crazy things?'. 

Nathan has been working so hard lately. He has a project at work that is due this week, and we can all feel the tension and anticipation. I admit, I have been a needy wife. Why is it whenever someone needs you to be patient and kind, it seems to be during a very hard week? My patience has quit several times, and I regret each one. After having a particularly hard day yesterday, Claire took her first steps before bed. It was special and surreal and fast. My baby can walk on her own now. Her daddy then took her and brushed her teeth, changed her diaper and then got her to fall asleep like a dream. No tears. Just a gentle rock from her dad and she was out like a light. I went to bed feeling rather sad and depressed because my baby is growing up. She didn't even need her mommy cuddles to fall asleep. I am so proud of my little darling, but it is hard for me to move through these special moments so quickly. A year goes by ridiculously fast. I fell into tears feeling badly for the way I had conducted myself, and then to receive such a gift as my daughter's first steps? It was overwhelming. My husband accepted my tea and sympathy, and we drifted off. Not before I could sneak into baby's room to steal one last look at her though.

I am grateful to be a wife.a mother.a daughter.a sister. 

It is all a gift. 

Cherish it.

With my heart. 

-a.

camp(ing)

We arrived home from a weekend long camping trip this afternoon. It was nice to be in the midst of nature for a change. We went with a group of dear friends to a small campground on the Oregon coast. It was terribly cold, and I had under packed because I was expecting some 80 degree weather. With a trip to fred meyer our problem was solved. I spent the weekend walking around in long underwear and my husband's jacket. Nathan was such a mountain man the whole time. Playing with knives and chopping wood, I enjoyed watching him flow with nature so gracefully. Claire was a darling on her first camping trip. She slept through the night and played in the dirt. She loved the little creek that was next to our campsite. My little baby loves nature so much. Watching her observe how the trees sway in the wind or how the ocean rolls in is such a gift. She helps me to slow down and appreciate the quiet moments. Our little trip has refreshed my soul. I am so tired, but it was all worth it. I cherish these times that I get to spend with my little family. Each new adventure is just as special as the one previous. 

Above is a picture of my husband whittling as we were getting ready to leave for home. This is one of my favorite photographs I have ever taken. 

-a.

We love.

1. Learning to take photos.

2. Playing with blocks her great-grandfather made her.

3. Always a ballerina.

4. Our new favorite book. 'Rain Makes Applesauce'.

5. A valentine from mine. 

a new home.

This hiatus has gone on long enough.
The long pause has concurred with our moving into a new house. It is divine. The kitchen is three times the size of my old one, baby has her own room, and we have a studio space in the back of the house so we can work on music, art, sewing, and computer science. It was hard and tiring moving everything, but I have since forgotten the pain of it all. Also, we have a yard with a fire pit. We can't wait to throw some magical parties. Our landlords are some of the most lovely people I have ever met. They are part of the family of God, and Nathan and I have already learned so much about love and friendship from them.

Right now:
Baby sleeps

I am cooking:
Spaghetti squash

Drinking:
Water

Inspired by:
This : love her minimalistic style and how she effortlessly displays the beauty of nature & this : such a tangible explanation of homesteading.

Listening to:
The hum of my refrigerator.

Much love.
I will be back soon.

-a.

glass.

The past few weeks have been quite hectic. Nathan and I traveled over to Monmouth to do a house show with our friend Jen. The show was a dream. House shows usually are though. It went much better than I could have ever anticipated, minus the sound system cutting in and out. The house was warm and full. Just like our hearts. The day before Nathan and I were able to take Claire the peach on her first trip to IKEA. She loved it of course. We picked up a nice Brimnes bed frame. Probably one of the reasons I haven't been writing lately, is because our house was completely torn up because of said bed frame. It is just now being reassembled. We were able to visit a long time friend of mine and her husband. I've only ever met Kaisha once in my life and I had never met her husband, so it was an adventure to stay the night at their house and then have a little tour of freezing cold Portland together. We enjoyed a nice breakfast at Fuel on Alberta Street. Banana chocolate chip pancakes? Um...forever yes. Then we drove up to Washington Park. Gorgeous. I had never been to a park in Portland before. I really do love parks, so it was a treat for me. We walked around snapping photos and chatting. It was a wonderful time together. I think Nathan and I may have started another bosom friendship. 

Home now. I have been having a rather hard time being home during the day. Claire and I feel so cooped up because of the rain..there is only so much you can do in a one bedroom house. We are both starting to feel the tension. We are so used to walking around town poking in different antique stores. Not in the rain though. Hopefully it will let up tomorrow and we can go for a short walk. If not, we will be inside reading Winnie the Pooh. Tut tut..looks like rain.

The Lord has been showing me how I have been selfish. After having Claire it was hard to think about myself at all...newborns really do take a lot of time, and I was enjoying giving all that time to her. Lately, the Lord has been calling me out on some selfish things. Maybe it is because she is getting older, and it is getting somewhat easier to care for her, but I find that in all my free time my thinking always goes to myself. I am glad that Lord has brought this up, because frankly I really hate the feeling that creeps inside when everything is mememememe. It isn't peaceful, or lovely, or enjoyable. Today when I was staring at myself in the mirror I looked over at my daughter who was eyeing me, and I thought, 'o my gosh. What am I doing?'. I don't want my daughter to know me as a woman who scrutinizes herself in the mirror. The one who is worried about the jeans that don't fit right, the hair that is too thin, and the shoulders that aren't the nicest. That is not the woman I want my daughter to be. Our children are going to grow up and imitate us. I want my baby to see me doing lovely things like  making our house beautiful. Creating things for her to play with. Writing verses of encouragement on our walls. Going on walks. Exploring. Making. Breathing. Living. but not wishing she could be someone else. Mothers, your daughters will become you. Fathers, your sons will become you. 

Don't waste your time starring into the glass.

'Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. ' -proverbs 31:30,31

How will you love your daughters and sons? 

love,

-a.

*photo from an ikea trip a few years ago. 

Father of brilliant lights.

Last night I got a little upset. Mostly because I was tired and my bebe woke up five times the night before, and was up cooing at 6:30 in the early a.m. My husband so graciously brought me a dirty chai and a blueberry muffin home before he headed to his one of many interviews he has had this week. The man is a saint. Really, in Christ he is. Last night the tiredness and all the 'tearies'(as I call Claire's little cries) caught up with me. And I was mean and selfish, and my husband defensive..really we were just tired. After I put Claire down for bed, we made up and watched half of the documentary called 'Father of Lights'. I was convicted. The film is brilliant and sort of unbelievable, but isn't that what God is? Brilliant and unbelievable? He does all of these mysterious things all the time. And that is what I was convicted about. I don't ask God what He wants me to do this day or that day. I usually just go about my days how I want. Here was this man though who spoke with God. He walked down the roads that God told him too, he looked for the people that the Lord showed him in dreams, and then the story flowed to another couple who's lives had been changed by God. The husband had been a vice president of a bank. A lovely wife, three kids, a nice house..a lovely life. The Lord did something in their hearts one night though. They sold everything they had, packed a few suitcases with some clothing, and got on a plane to China. Without any plans. They lived in a hotel for three days and then moved into a shabby apartment with raw sewage...and the wife began to speak. She spoke about how up until that point everything was really exciting and she didn't mind giving everything she had away, but when she saw the faces of her children as they walked into the apartment she thought 'am I a bad mother? Why would I do this to my children?'. 

And I realized..this is the issue in my heart.

I have so many ideas and so many guidelines I've made. I have the perfect life in my head. I want my daughter to grow up in a nice house with nice friends and loving parents. I want everything to fold out smoothly with no bumps and bruises. I was convicted. I have all of these plans in my heart that I know aren't the Lord's plan for my life. These need to go. It is a wonderful things to hope for and cultivate a life that is beautiful, but to plan a life that is too rigid to let the Holy Spirit move, that is wrong. I am the woman who cares what you think about me. I am the mother that wonders if I am doing the right thing for my child. I am the woman with so much pride in her it is disgusting. I am the woman who is so controlling that I hold onto fragile things too tightly.

So, Jesus take it out.

I do not want to worry about what you think of me...especially if I am walking in the Spirit. If God says to do it, then we must do it. He ultimately is the one who is going to take care of our children. He is the one who holds their hearts closer than we ever could. He is their Creator, the one who takes care of the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on our heads. We need to trust Him just like faithful Abraham did. He almost murdered his only son. Do I trust God enough to do something like that? Certainly not. 

I guess this is sort of a confession. A confession and an encouragement. 

Search out the plans of The Lord. 

Men and women, leave your plans on the road. Eternity will be far better then anything we could ever have made up.

Love The Lord.

Love your spouse.

Love your children.

Love people.

Walk in the light.

I am a free woman. No one can take that away from me.

-a

Rolling.

Claire's first roll over just happened.
I feel like an accomplished mother.
Huzzah for motherhood.
-a.

Forever aways.

All is calm. You can hear the hum of Claire's borrowed swing and the tick of the oven preheating. Nathan's friend Dennis brought me a lump of sourdough that he had made. I can't wait to taste it. Baby is sweet, sleeping in the swing with her favorite auntie made toy. It is the truest joy to spend most of my hours with her.
This morning my Facebook feed was flooded with goodbye pictures and statuses from my family. Mandy is going to Romania with our Daddy. He for 2 weeks and she for 3 months. My lovely Bell wrote a post about sobbing and being Wendy and other things which made me sob as well. Not a sad sob, but a happy one. When I moved away from home, I was most worried that my siblings would forget about me and even worst forget about God. When I left, I didn't know how much they loved Jesus. They didn't raise their hands during worship and they were quiet and bashful when you would ask them a question about their Father in heaven. We didn't pray together, and when I played guitar I was always the loudest one to be heard. But now, my siblings have blossomed into the most beautiful and godly beings. Lovely Bell has become a warrior queen for the kingdom. I see it when she walks. I hear it when she sings. You feel it when she writes. She is covered in Holy Spirit. My little Mandy left today for Romania. The shy quiet little girl I used to know is now doing what I wanted to do just a few years ago. She is embarking on the dream I once had. She leaves love in every room she sits. I am so glad that the orphaned children of Romania are going to experience the love of Jesus through my sister! And my Fran! Her heart has been miraculously changed over the past 10 months. She brings intense exuberance to your heart. She is like a refreshing spring. When we visited a few weekends ago I was so happy to sit and talk with her about how she led girls at camp to Christ and how The Lord taught her things about loving others...and how much she adored Claire. She wanted to spend every waking moment holding my dear baby. My brother. I think I wept the most over him when I was leaving. Just to hear his deepening voice is comforting. His heart for God is growing. I can see it. Like a tree planted by the water. That is my brother.

Thank you Mom and Dad for raising your children to love The Lord.

All this to say. God's hand is amazing. I could not have imagined my family growing in the ways they have over these past few years. All of them have become special gems. I love them so.

Please be praying for my father and my sister as they are in Romania. My sister is still keeping up with the little black dress project. If you feel a need in your heart to donate, then it would be most appreciated. All the proceeds go to the redeemer house orphanage in Uganda,Africa. You can learn ore about donating here.

We each posses such special gifts in this life. Do not waste yours. Do the things The Lord places in your heart and your mind. Have children. Go visit needy children. Care for that elderly relative. Whisper I love yous. Kiss your husband. Give gifts to a friend. Celebrate life through cooking, dancing, singing, and art. The call is in you. 

-a.

thankful :

-life

-peach trees

-love

-chicken and dumpling soup 

-frozen grapes

-alka seltzer

-a husband who watches his daughter

-raw milk

-couches to sleep

-mother in laws who bring you breakfast

-mothers who give you encouragement

-sweet almond oil

-dancing

-music

-coffee

-steamed milk

-homemade almond milk

-dr.bronner's magic soap

-Jesus and His mercy

-a.

Artist 001: Victoria Carlson

This is a start of the Artistry Series. I will feature a handful of gifted people. Just because I want to show off their craft. Our first artist? She is a lovely lady from the Central Oregon area. I chose her to be part of the series because I love her use of natural light and her surroundings. Her images are also really nostalgic for me, because I grew up in that area. Here is a small interview I did with Tori to inspire and romance you with her beautifully crafted images. Enjoy.

-a.

-Tell me a bit about yourself(Where are you from..what got you started...how long have you been shooting....what makes you?)?
My full name is super fancy, so I just go by Tori. I’m from a small western-themed mountain town in Central Oregon, but moved to the big city of Seattle and lived there for the past five years. I’m an outdoors girl at heart – camping, hiking, lake days, trail runs... Really, practically anything. I bought my first DSLR (“fancy” camera) when I was sixteen. I took photos all the time, completing many “365 photo-a-day” projects. But I didn’t take it seriously until I was nineteen, and my brother graduated from high school. I took his senior photos, and then was asked to shoot many of his friends’ photos for graduation as well. I had been dreaming of becoming a “professional photographer” for a few years before that, so finally I decided to really make my career aspirations come true. I decided to do senior photos that summer as well, and also was blessed to meet a wedding photographer who took me under his wing and let me tag along on a few weddings with him to see how it all worked. After that, I shot a few weddings for free, just trying to get my name out there. Eventually, I began booking weddings, and now, here I am – shooting 17 weddings this summer, with engagements, family, and senior photos all in between. It’s so fun to finally be able to say that I’m making money doing what I love.

-What kind of camera do you shoot with? Favorite lens?
I now shoot with a Canon 5D Mark ii, with an original Mark as a back up. I pretty much stick to two lenses – my 85mm f/1.2 L and 35mm f/1.4 L. They have served me quite well for everything from newborns to families to seniors to weddings.



-Where is your favorite place to shoot?
I love shooting anywhere outside. Shooting in the Northwest, we have tons of awesome places to explore and use as settings – waterfalls, fields, lakes, mountains, forests, rivers, deserts... Honestly, it is such a blessing to live in such a beautiful location. It makes my job easier!

-What inspires you?(people, places, books, films, music)

As far as inspiration goes, it’s honestly all about my clients; I’m inspired by each one individually. It’s so fun to meet someone and quickly be able to understand what makes them them. A groom’s great jokes, a senior’s confident character, a bride’s smile, how great of a mother a woman is to her children. The list goes on. As I shoot, I play off my clients in order to emphasize who they are and really portray that in the shots I get.

-What makes being a photographer fun? What makes it hard?

Being at a wedding every weekend? Shooting seniors who are so excited about the next phase of their lives? A couple who are about to have their first little one? A family reunion after years apart? A newly engaged couple about to embark on a new journey? How could my job not be wonderful?! I’m constantly surrounded by love and joy, and get to share in it with my clients.

However, being a photographer has its hardships. Weddings particularly. Rude guests, time lines that aren’t acknowledged, rain, and exhaustion. However, in the grand scheme of things (and compared to other jobs), it’s not so bad. (;

-Most embarrassing photography moment?
At a recent wedding, I was shooting the bridesmaids and noticed one glance towards my shoulder/arm area. I shrugged it off until I noticed a few more do the same thing as I kept shooting. Suddenly I thought, “Uh, did I shave my armpits this morning?!” Low-and-behold, I checked and – NOPE! So the rest of the day I tried to keep my arms down while I shot, but that probably looked equally as silly. So ALWAYS remember to shave, or don’t plan on wearing a tank top.

-Five pieces of advice for the amateurs out there who want to go professional?
If you’re interested in making photography your career, here are a few things to remember.

1. TAKE PHOTOS CONSTANTLY. Even if it’s just of your daily life, take photos. Ask people to do shoots with you for free. Practice. Click click CLICK. Don’t stop. 
2. Ask a photographer already in the business if you can tag along to a shoot or wedding. Take note of how they handle clients, guests, time lines, posing, etc.
3. Also ask them about the business side of the industry. Surprisingly, that is almost more work than the actually shooting. It takes time to build a business, and there are a lot of details to consider.
4. Do your first wedding for free (or first few). Then there is no pressure. You can figure out how it goes and really start to understand how much time you need for certain photos. Also, this is a way to get your name out there. No one wants to pay a big chunk of change for a photographer they’ve never heard of or who has never done a wedding before. 
5. Stay true to your style. People are going to hire you because they saw what you produced before, and liked it. So don’t surprise clients by shooting with a fish eye if you only shoot with 85mm, or suddenly decide to edit super colorfully, when you previously opted for a more muted tone. Developing a style takes a while to do, but it’s worth the time and effort.

-tori

You can contact Victoria via her website. I'm sure she would love to hear from you. 

Swaddled perfection.

Claire Melody.
Sweetest bird of them all.

Mmm.

Bebe you coming?

due.

Baby n. is due today. I'm not sure if she will come today, but soon for sure. Mama's body has got a feeling. The hubby has a ton of work to do, so I am just at home resting and reading and eating copious amounts of homemade bread. I wrote my child a letter. First one. I'm pretty excited about her coming into this world. I even wrote her a little lullaby all her own. Which, maybe wasn't the best idea because now my eyes and nose have become a leaky faucet. I love my bebe like crazy and she isn't even here yet. Mothers kept telling me about how their hearts exploded when they met their babies. I think I know what they are talking about now...at least I've got the gist of it. Motherhood is coming like a freight train. What will I even do with myself?
I am excited for this new adventure. God has blessed my little family more abundantly than I could have ever imagined. My heart is His forever. I pray He steals your heart as well. Knowing God is so much more than what it seems to be. The deepness of relationship with the Creator is a gorgeous revelation of life. No one can truly live without knowing Him. To know God is to love Him.
"because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." psalm 63:3
-a.

another kind of love.

This was me a few days ago. I still look like this, but maybe my belly is a bit bigger now and I washed my hair. Baby n. is soon to make her big debut, and I am so excited. Both Nathan and I cannot believe how fast this has all happened. We are so blessed to be living the lives we do. Every moment feels like a special gift from God. Even when I am doing the dishes, I am drenched in a peace and joy that I cannot explain. Maybe it is just hormones, but I am so thankful for this special life that God has gifted me with. Bebe is such a gift. I've been thinking a lot about my mother. I grew up with a wonderful mama. She taught me so many fabulous things, and even now at 23 years old I am still using these special nugets of truth. I hope I can be a mother that makes her daughters & sons feel cherished like she does. The love that a parent has for their child is so divine. I am looking forward to knowing this kind of love.

Wonderful.gift.of.life.
-a.

soonish.

1.summer light.
2.her space.
3.spring tulips. 
4.peaking green.
5.the womb. 

loving Christ.

I love my husband.
I married the best man. I truly did. Every moment with him is a wonder. God is such a good gift giver. There is such peace in marriage. Nathan and I were talking about different moments during our courtship last night. All of them seemed so funny and special. We laugh at the two people that we were before. We were so silly. Those memories are gold though.

I've been learning more and more about being a better wife. During this pregnancy, my husband and I have both grown up so much. He especially has developed into this wonderful inspiring man. Every morning is better. He is an encouragement and complete joy to be around. His embrace is comforting, and his words profound. He makes me want to be a better wife. As my belly grows, so does our love for one another. Life is not perfect, but it is blissful. The house still needs to be cleaned and bills need to be paid, but having someone to help makes these things so much more enjoyable. I am beyond excited about our little family. We still have so much to learn about life, and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. The excitement of being a mother is overwhelming and joy-filled. God has been so good to our little family.

The verse in Proverbs 31...the one about 'she does him good, and not evil all the days of her life' has been running through my head over and over. I am for the good of my husband. I am to love him in all of his shortcomings and all of his learnings. I am to love him like Christ loves me. Marriage is the most beautiful poem in life. Loving my husband feels so right. It fits. After years and years of searching for something that fit, I have found it. Being a wife and mother. With this calling I have never felt more at peace in my life. The joy that God has given me in these things is unspeakable. I cannot explain the depth of heart in being a wife...and I can hardly fathom the happiness that comes from this impending motherhood. The calling of my life is to serve Christ. To love and adore Him, and draw closer to him day by day. This is how it happens...when I love my husband...when I serve him, I am loving Christ. When I touch my child, and she moves in the womb, this is loving Christ. When I forgive and continue to love despite the circumstance, I love Christ. It is our actions during the day, how we treat one another, how we speak to each other, how we hold each other up above ourselves...this is loving Christ.

If you are looking for the secret to growing close to Jesus, you are in the midst of it.
Life and how you live it.
This will bring you closer to Jesus.



-a.

readiness.

Saturday I went flower picking with my Natalie.
We had a fabulous time. I felt like a little child wandering about the vast forest looking for fairies and such. O the beauty of life. I feel like a child, and yet I have a child growing inside my womb. Will I ever be ready for anything? Is there such a thing? What drives us to readiness?

The baby inside of me will come into this world sometime in the next few weeks. The doctor told me to pack my bags and be ready for the baby to come. 'Be ready.' said the nurse. Then the doctor happily instructed me on how to page her and who to call when I begin labor. Nathan and I went home and I started to get frustrated with myself because I didn't feel ready and there is still so much to be done before baby n. comes into the world. I told my husband that I don't feel ready to be a mother yet, and he quickly assured me that I am perfectly capable to take care of our little daughter. I am blessed to have such a patient husband. Every morning is hopeful. Some are darker than others, but my God's mercies are new every morning and I believe this with all my heart and soul. There has been such peace in our house in the morning. Sometimes it feels like the Holy Spirit is hovering over us. I am thankful for peace.

After we climb out of bed I wander into the kitchen and we usually start the morning with smoothies and eggs or something of the sort. The sunrise reflects into my kitchen from the neighbors window. I love those sunrises. We start every morning. Just like we start life. A child is born into the brightness. He must adjust to the newness of everything. How he breaths and eats and moves. In the same way my husband and I will be thrown into parenthood. No matter how ready we feel, we will become parents.

I was reading in 1 Thess. during my quiet time this week. I was convicted when I made it the section that spoke about not quenching the Spirit. The Lord showed me that I quench the Spirit all the time. When I am anxious. I sat starring at my closet thinking about all the things that I worry about daily. My heart opened a bit to His tender care.

I am no longer worried about giving birth. God has made my body to complete this miraculous task. Why should I be afraid of the outcome of it? Nathan and I embrace the fact that our daughter is going to come into this world, whether we are ready for it or not. God's grace is so good. I feel like it is filling me to the brim. A constant reminder that my dependency is hooked to the one that made me. We cannot do it without Him.

Wonderful life. Wonderful love. Wonder of it all.

-a.

this:

Morning kisses&prayer.raisin bran.grocery shopping with the husband.possibly the most delicious ciabatta sandwiches for lunch.millions of quarts of goats milk(i'm exaggerating of course).grape juice.baby dancing.Braxton-Hicks.preparing for labor.house cleaning.homemade pasta.homemade goats cheese.yellow apron.my life is real.

-a

joy.

i love this man.

-a.

new

It is an over sized navy blue sweater & beer waffles kind of morning.
It is a throw in the towel and eat breakfast before I do the dishes kind of morning.
It is a this is why i love my husband morning.

I love my husband, because his default is to always make me laugh. No matter what mood I am in. This might seem like it could be detrimental to our relationship, but really, it has been the best thing for me. I am reminded every day that the trying circumstance I may be in at the time, will always pass. It is best to laugh at a good joke, we are after all, supposed to be anxious for nothing. My husband helps me to see this. Also, laughter grows two together.
I love my husband because he is inspired, and that inspires me. When I was single, I would always start projects and rarely finish them. Now, projects are completed. I am inspired by my husbands work ethic and his ability to complete the hardest assignments I've ever seen in my life.
I love my husband because he buys&picks me flowers regularly.
I love my husband because he can cook me dinner by himself, and he makes better salad & dressing than I do.
I love my husband because right now, as I write, he is on a run. Ode to health.
I love my husband, because of the little things he says. He never preaches at me, is always slow to speak, and always has profound things coming out of his mouth. God speaks to him in such a special way. Nuggets of wisdom worth gold. Plus, I remember the things he tells me. My husband can write a wonderful sermon, but he can encourage me with minimal words. It is a very special gift he has.
I love my husband because he works hard.
I love my husband because he appreciates me. Some mornings I make my way to the kitchen while he is still sleeping and make us breakfast. He always lavishes me with words of love and praise.
I love my husband because of how he loves God. Passion is present, even when I can't see it. Growth is abundant in his life. I love that we can grow together, and even though we are at different stages of walking with God, we can always enjoy the Father together. There is a special intimacy in knowing Christ together.
But most of all..
I love my husband, because I love him.

ria.